


The Sun is Trying to Kill Me

by yuffiehighwind



Category: IT Crowd
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-01
Updated: 2007-12-01
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuffiehighwind/pseuds/yuffiehighwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The team tries to deal with a summer heat wave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun is Trying to Kill Me

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between S2E5 "Smoke and Mirrors" and S2E6 "Men Without Women," but the events of the episode S1E6 "Aunt Irma Visits" never happened.

Watching her bend down over the recycling bin, Roy was caught off guard by an unusual feeling. Having relegated Jen to "sister," this would make it his second recorded account of incestuous thought. It made him slightly sick.

It was summer, and so Jen continued to come in wearing business attire, but reluctantly so. She'd harass the boys to fix the air conditioner every time the thermostat went up the slightest bit, and would bemoan the lack of Central Air this far down in the pit of Reynholm's building. The day would progress, and Jen's clothes would come off piece by piece. Having been so used to having her around, and having handled her bra as well (and developed his own fiendish creation in an attempt at making the perfect undergarment), Moss didn't really notice. He and Roy had decided one night long before that Jen was their sister and that was that. This took quite a lot of explaining on Roy's part for Moss to wrap his mind around Jen  _not literally being related to them_ , but when he finally got it straight, he took it pretty seriously. Jen was the big sister. Boss? Pfft. They only considered her management when it was in the best interest of their health - like when some angry exec (usually female) came down for revenge. Jen was Relationship Manager, and she did this as easily as Moss altered a line of code or Roy repaired a CPU. But the boys knew who was really in charge in the basement, and it was certainly not her.

This would be the first summer they spent with her, and what with global warming and all, it was unseasonably hot. London had always been hotter than the rest of the country in summer, but this was downright intolerable. The boys usually handled it just fine down in the dark, but with Jen there to interrupt their silent wallowing with her screechy complaining, Roy was getting more than a bit flustered. And in this moment, he was quite torn between his usual sensation of wanting to  _kill her_  and wanting to do something very different.

Jen sat down on the couch they'd added at her bequest, then just up and lay down. There didn't seem much to do in the office that day (not that there did any day), and Roy figured she wanted a nap. Anything to shut her up was fine by him. He clicked around to a weather site and found the figures. He thanked God for Celsius, because in Fahrenheit they looked unearthly. Sighing, he held a soda bottle up to his head. It was warm. Damn it.

On the edge of his vision, he saw a hand emerge from behind the couch-back and chuck a jacket over and onto the floor. Alright, then. She was getting comfy.

He heard the shoes hit the floor next, and saw Jen's dainty feet emerge to prop themselves on the armrest, just sticking out from behind. Okay, so they weren't dainty. He could vaguely remember the time she spent running around trying to walk in shoes two sizes too small. Cost them an expensive merger or something. That was Jen. Making mountains out of molehills.

A sort of moan came from behind the couch. His eyebrows shot up at the noise, but he tried to ignore it. The faintest sigh hit his eardrums like a megaphone. What was she doing back there?

"It's too hot in here," she said for the hundredth time that day. Moss told her in his kind, naive way to essentially shut up, and they bickered back and forth about temperatures and global warming, while Roy absently stared at his computer monitor. He logged onto the Something Awful boards and began to read, but Jen padded over to his desk (still barefoot, but standing awkwardly on tiptoe) to glare at him over the screen. What now?

"You have to do something about the aircon. Moss says it's broken. Something to do with a leak?"

Roy looked up briefly and saw she'd unbuttoned the top of her white blouse. Oh dear lord...

"Hrm?"

"You have to fix that thing. I'm going mad. Sweating bullets. I'm melting, for chrissake."

Moss smirked and mouthed, "Like the wicked witch." Roy caught it and grinned back. Jen snapped her fingers in his face.

"NOW. Get up, go, work your magic!"

Roy didn't move. "The aircon is fine. It worked this morning."

"You mean when you found it had turned itself off in the night, hit the power button, and it made that strangled chugging noise like it was trying to hang itself?"

Roy just gave Moss a blank look. "Thanks for that, Moss. Yes. It's holding on, I was trying to say."

As one, they looked over at the unit in the window on the far wall. If any machine could be suicidal, this one would be requesting Dr. Kevorkian for assistance. Jen walked over and waved a hand past it. There was no air coming out.

"See, it's not even on. Seriously, guys, I'm roasting!"

There was sweat just visible on her upper back, and a bit under her arms. The blouse clung to her there, and she unconsciously tugged around the neck to loosen it. Moss turned back to his computer while Roy stared, and said he'd send in a maintenance request. Jen protested this.

"What happened to my technicians? Aren't you the maintenance guys? Come on, get up!"

"It's too hot to move, Jen," Roy replied. "Besides, we don't know machines. We work with computers."

Quickly realizing the irony of his statement, Roy shifted his attention back to the monitor. There was a cheery image of a red thermostat exploding on his desktop.

Jen vanished onto the couch again with another moan.

"Who do you guys usually call to fix things 'round here?"

Moss gave this some thought.

"Well we don't call, as such."

"No, we just sort of let nature take its course," Roy added.

"And they tend to ignore us, anyway."

"Something about cutting back costs."

The boys shrugged. Jen couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"You mean, you just... _endure it?_ "

They nodded. Roy gestured to what used to be known only as  _the red door._  "Of course, they make sure it's nice and cool in  _there_."

"Have to," Moss said. "The server is in there. It's the brain of the whole building."

Jen sat up. "Couldn't we direct some of that cool air into here?"

Moss shook his head. "Oh, no, it needs to be a certain temperature for it to remain functioning."

"Possibly why Richmond went funny in the head. We never did ask the last IT guys about it." Roy squinted in thought. Jen peeked up over the couch-back.

"You mean Richmond was here when you got the job? Why didn't you ever ask him about it?"

"We assumed he couldn't speak," Moss said.

"Yeah, like a mute vampire," Roy supplied.

"And when he  _did_  start speaking..."

"...Well,  _you_  know. He's difficult to shut up."

Jen just rolled her eyes. "Well, I'll see what I can do. Is he in today?"

Roy shrugged and turned to Moss. "Doesn't he live down here? Where'd we pick him up that time?"

Jen groaned. Jessica couldn't stop raving about the man since she'd met him at her dinner party.

"I think we got him here."

"Really? Then where's he wash?"

"Maybe he doesn't need to wash. I didn't think vampires had to."

"Surely you've realized by now that Richmond's not a vampire," Jen cut in. The boys still looked doubtful. She lay back down on the sofa, then wondered why she bothered. It was leather and sticky.

On cue, Richmond (feeling much braver since Jen had started work there) emerged from his den.

"Oh, it's just brutal," he said, heading into the kitchenette with his coffee mug. He ran it under the sink and took a sip of water. That was the thing about Richmond. He looked like the undead, but often proved to be much more mundane. "I don't know if the server's gonna hold up in this heatwave, guys."

Everyone's heads snapped up. Jen popped back up from the couch. She looked like some kind of ginger ground squirrel.

"What? No!"

Richmond took another sip of water. "I think we should get maintenance down here, guys," Richmond continued in his deadpan way. Meanwhile, his three coworkers were starting to panic.

"But maintenance never comes down here!" Moss looked fidgety, his eyes wide. He looked around for some kind of tool and picked up a screwdriver. Roy took out a hammer. Jen got up and walked across the room.

"Boys, I'll take a look. I got my air to work last night. If we don't have to hit the insanely expensive electronic equipment with a hammer - thanks Roy - then we'd best not take the chance."

She followed Richmond through the red door and just about melted into a puddle.

"Oh my God!" she called out, so Moss and Roy bolted up and followed her in.

Only to be hit with a frigid blast of cold air.

"Ohhhh," they moaned. Richmond looked puzzled, then looked as though he was realizing something. "Hrm, it  _did_  seem a bit warm out there."

Roy shut the door and leaned against it.

"This is..."

"...Heavenly!" Jen said, sitting down in Richmond's single chair. Moss rubbed his arms.

"A bit chilly, don't you think?" He whispered to Roy. "I  _told_  you!"

Richmond shrugged. "Normally it's a bit cooler. Took me by surprise, to be honest."

Jen looked up at him, her brow furrowed. "Richmond, you gave us a shock! On the other hand, how  _can_  you endure this cold every day?"

"You just get used to it." He looked off into the middle distance. "I remember when I was a lad..."

Bored already, Roy tugged at Moss' shirt for them to exit. Even Jen's eyes had begun to glaze over. He tried to open the door, but it was stuck.

"Erm..." He tugged again, but it wouldn't budge. Again, the three of them felt their stomachs drop and panic begin to well up. Richmond, unflappable as ever, sighed.

"Seems the door's jammed again."

Jen frowned and looked around the corners.

"He doesn't even use the toilet," Moss whispered. He mouthed the word "VAMPIRE" with as much enthusiasm as you could silently say the word.

"What, you mean, we're trapped?" Roy said, his voice rising higher. "And this happens  _often?_ "

Richmond put his mug down on the floor and went to the door to try it himself. The lights on the server flickered and twinkled like smug stars.

"Nope, won't budge. Don't worry, it sometimes does this, then will just as unexpectedly open up on its own. I sometimes wonder if it has a  _mind_."

"No, no, no," Jen cut in. "This cannot be happening. We can't...I'm not even wearing...Maybe if we called for help."

"HELP!" Moss began, but Roy stopped him and shook his head. Jen went to search her pockets for a cell phone, only to quickly remember she had none. She snapped her fingers at Roy.

"Your mobile! Come on, you've always got it in your pocket."

"How do you...?"

"Moss! You've got one too, right? I left mine in my jacket!"

Roy searched his pockets, and Moss searched his own as well, only to come up with nothing. Roy could see it in his mind's eye, sitting on his desk.

"Damn it! I left it on the desk."

Jen was losing patience. "You can't be serious. You're never without that phone!"

"I know! I just set it down for a second, and then we came in here..."

"We're doomed!"

"Moss, we're not doomed. Richmond, what do you do? There must be something you do when you're trapped in here."

He searched his own pockets and took out a deck of cards.

"Solitaire?"

 

* * *

 

It had been well over an hour. Richmond calmly leaned against the far wall, watching the server, while the other three huddled together by the door for warmth.

"This is humiliating," Jen muttered. She was stuck between her coworkers at Roy's insistence, since she was wearing so little and she had begun to shiver. Both men were pretending to avoid as much skin-to-skin contact as possible while still keeping her warm, although Roy was quite obviously enjoying it, and Moss was as well, albeit less obviously so.

"Why do they keep it so bloody cold?" she whined, wrapping her arms around her legs, her chin on her knees. Moss began to explain for the hundredth time (since it was the hundredth time she'd asked), when Roy heard the phone ring in the other room for the eightieth. For a man who hated to answer calls from upstairs, he was beginning to get pretty upset that he couldn't answer these. They'd be fired for sure!

"I say we try the door again," Roy suggested, but everyone protested this because it meant moving. He knew a few ways to get Jen to move, but wondered if it was worth the risk to his health. Casually placing a hand on her thigh, he began to explain a new plan to the other men. Jen looked down, then glared at him. But the other two didn't notice.

"Psst," she said. They exchanged a silent look that said, "I  _will_  castrate you," and he took his hand away. Standing up, he held a hand down to help her up, and gentlemanly did so. Moving away from the door, everyone watched as Roy cracked his knuckles and paused over the handle.

"Someone count," he said, and Moss obliged.

"One...two...Oh, wait, should I maybe count backwards, would that be better? In that case, Three...two..."

Impatient, Roy just turned the handle, and the door opened with ease. On the other side, it slammed right into the face of the maintenance man who had been opening it at the same moment. He clutched his face, swearing.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," Jen said, rushing to sit him down. He waved her off, but her ministrations caused him to trip over an old CPU and fall down, only to crack his head on a broken monitor. Moss and Roy bent down to pull him up, only for Richmond to casually slam the red door into his back, knocking him forward into Jen's cleavage.

"I told you the door had a mind of its own," Richmond said. He picked a wooden door-stopper off the floor, held it up for inspection, slotted it between the door and the frame, and shut the red door behind him.

 

* * *

 

Back in her office, the door shut, Jen fumed. Roy stuck his cell phone safely back into his jeans while Moss began answering emails to his Reynholm Industries account. Checking the office voicemail, Roy was shocked to discover the flood of messages left by the staff upstairs. It had turned out the only reason maintenance had been sent down was due to the complaints of slow service, and he only opened the red door because he heard shrill whining on the other side. Thanks to her voice's tendency to carry, the team had been rescued, but Jen didn't want any recognition. She just wanted lunch.

Jen emerged from her office just as hot as she'd been before the break in the server room, ordering the boys upstairs to fix the company computers. To be honest, she wanted to strip down to nothing, although this thought stayed at the back of her mind along with other impracticalities like a holiday in Prague or a burger with no calories. Besides, had certain members of the staff caught her, she'd never live it down.

"Now," Jen said to herself, "the question of lunch." Unbuttoning her top buttons again (she'd done them all up against the chill of the server room), she went back to sit at her desk and examined the array of papers scattered there. "Menu, menu, menu..."

Going outside meant enduring the hot sun. Staying inside meant enduring the hot basement. But if it was possible to get food delivered, it would be a more productive day for the boys and a more relaxing one for Jen. She might even get them to eat healthy for a change...


End file.
